In the rain season, when rainwater blends with tears as you walk home alone. The pitter patter of rain serves as background music for your undoing. As the rain drops, your heart sank from the sheer heaviness of the day. The sheer weight of every thought, of every truth you have to face.
You stood there, in the midst of a storm, wet, sad and hopeless. Thinking if this is how your life should be. Thinking if this is all the world got for you. Suddenly, your sadness became rage, it became anger. It became fierce, and insatiable, it bacame a monster that preys on the weak.
When your sadness turns to hatred, it uses everything in you, to somehow yield everything into war. To think as if the whole world is on fire. So when you reach home, when your eyes lie in the mess of your house, to the chaos of everyone living in it. Your eyes roam from all the mess and toward your little sister, who is all stressed out from school. You can’t help but to nag, to be angry at her. To be angry at the mess. It was a little thing. But little things sometimes cause massive explosions. The next thing you know you are both shouting at each other, counting each other’s mistakes. The next thing you know, your sister is crying from all the harsh words you said because sometimes, inflicting wounds are easier than healing them.
Your outburst was nothing but a proof of all your unsettled trauma. How it rages inside of you. How it made you hurt the people you are supposed to love. How it made you explode in the smallest of triggers. The trauma lived inside you now, it made you shallow, it made you sad, it made every drop of rain a melody worth crying for.
After the fight, when the wounds are already dealt. You will find yourself in the darkness of your own room and be reminded of how once your father shouted at you after his stressful day at work. How he drank and hurt you doing those days. You can still gear his voice. You can still feel the pain he inflicted upon you as if the wounds never really healed. And you realized that even though your father is gone, the abuse was no longer a threat, the trauma has manifested into something. The trauma made you the monster, the villain to someone else’s story.
You became the wound, the scar, the vouce that haunted someone else at night just because you let the trauma inside of you. Because you shelter and nurture it. Because you let it grow, and now the trauma will live and be passed into your sister’s soul.
But that doesn’t have to happen, you can still heal the wound. Patch up the relationship you strain. You can still apologize, maybe that won’t heal the cut but somehow that will reduce the swelling. Maybe apologizing for the pain you caused won’t erase what already happened but it will make you less of a villain. Maybe apologizing will reduce the trauma. Because when apology together with acceptance is offered, then time can work its way to heal the wound.
So the next day, when your head calm down. When you got enough rest to process everything, go and find your sister who has been crying all night long and apologize sincerely and make sure that your apology is sincere enough to ensure that the trauma you caused will not stay in her heart for too long. Don’t let her suffer the same fate as you. Don’t let the trauma yield you into a monster you never are.
